When I was a kid I was not impressed by Albert Einstein's teaching on relativity. Do you know why? Living in Chongqing where temperature sometimes reached 40 degrees during summer I used to carry a fan like this. When I unfolded the fan and waved at myself, it made a pleasant flow of air that cooled me down. But my teacher of physics taught us that phenomena of such kind were all relative. In order to prove him wrong I held the fan still and moved my head up and down. Before it was too long I was sweating all over.

      However as I grew up I found the theory of relativity was actually true in many life situations. Let me tell you something about lucky draw. I worked for ING Bank Shenzhen Branch for a number of years. And this was the end of my first annual dinner. And we had this lucky draw. When the grand prize was announced it was a 25' color TV. The winner jumped to her feet and ran to the stage. She was so excited that she even kissed the emcee on the cheek. In the following year ING Bank Shenzhen Branch made a handsome profit. So management decided that everyone should get a grand prize, which was the equivalent of a 25' color TV. But this idea of everyone being a winner was not at all well received. We looked left and right. What? Everybody wins? That sucks! How can I win when nobody is losing? So we were bored down by the absolutely undifferentiated prizes. Ladies and Gentlemen, what I learned from this experience is that my joy is not so much determined by my absolute gain but has a lot to do with how much I gain relative to others.

      Another story that struck me as deep was about a bunch of aggressive young men. They were classmates at university. And after graduation they found jobs in Shenzhen in mid 90s. Because they were so busy chasing money they could barely find time to get together. But Gene received regular phone calls from Bean. Bean was calling Gene on a regular basis inquiring about what work Gene's been doing? Any recent promotion? Was his income close to 6-digit yet? Having moved to a new home or still living in the same apartment? The calls are not very often, once or twice a year, you know, just checking. Gradually Gene found these phone calls annoying. But he couldn't fully explain the motives behind these phone calls until one day when those several young men finally found time for a small reunion.

      So here comes Bob. Bob starts to hand out his business cards. Wow, he's a VP now. Big title! I'm a Director. What are you? Managing Director?! Suddenly they were all scratching their heads: Who's bigger? I wonder who's bigger on title.

      And what is it with Hu Zhong? Wo Shi. Wo Shi Hu Zhong. (Whisper) I'm busy. I'm having a meeting right now. Can I call you back? Remember it's 1995. It's a big deal if you had a cell phone. When cell phone first came out, it cost 10-15 grands renminbi. Only the rich and famous could buy one. Ever watched a Hong Kong gangster movie? The "Big Brother" always carried a huge cell phone (a.k.a. Da Ge Da).

      And David was late and was complaining: who picked this restaurant? It's so damn difficult to find a parking spot. He said this when he was playing with his car key. Remember it's 1995. Same thought was running through everybody's head: What? He got a car? Notice that, he got a car! I wonder if it's a VOLKSWAGEN JETTA or SANTANA. Maybe it's a BMW or LEXUS or MERCEDES. Oh my God!

      During the dinner people were using little things to indicate their changed status. Little things like business card, cell phone, and car key. It's a social dance, man. Let me tell you the way they carried themselves was casual, subtle and it took a similar mind to read the minds of others. Believe it or not the competition was tense. With all small facts shown and told, everyone, everyone was anxiously in search of the answer to one question: DO I MEASURE UP?

      Ladies and gentlemen perhaps you could relate to these two stories somehow, sometime. I recall what my teacher of physics said - it's all relative. Oh yeah, IT'S ALL RELATIVE. We're either relatively superior or relatively inferior. There's no middle way. On relative terms we build our self-esteem on higher rank, higher status, better car, bigger house that would together define us as either a winner or a loser. It's a zero-sum game. One's success must come from another's failure. One's happiness must come from another's misery. One's fortune must come from another's misfortune.

      Is this a habit of mind or a way of thinking? Whatever it is it won't do you any good. Trust me, I've been there, done that. I WAS ONE OF THOSE YOUNG MEN trying hard to measure up. Like everyone else, I had been living in constant fear of losing the game; struggling with the need to belong where others belong, believe what others believe, become what others become. I had beat myself up so hard to satisfy the expectations of others, not mine.

      Looking back I found this way of thinking logically flawed. Imagine if average people all think they are above average how can we all live with this measurement? If there are only a handful of happy winners in this world should the rest of us end up miserable losers? So here I wish to convince you that it's wrong to live by the theory of relatively superior and it's wise and practical to be just the best of yourselves.

 

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